7 things they don’t tell you about first dates

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‘When she says: ‘No, really, we must split the bill’, she’s lying and she expects you to insist. If you foolishly take her at her word, she’ll text you the next day, saying you are the meanest man she ever met. I speaks from experience.’

And, on the other ‘can’t get it right’ hand, a bloke I used to know once complained that a date had bought a bottle of champagne for them both. Felt emasculated, I guess.

Thank f*** she didn’t throw in some Nobby’s Nuts.

vector illustration of evil businessman video chatting with smiling mask…
You will be caught out (Picture: Getty)

You will be caught out if you fib

‘Giving a fake surname on a first date bites you in the ass if you end up still seeing them a month later and you’ve not put them straight’, a Twitter gal pal tells me.

I asked for no more details. I didn’t want to know. But I’m sensing she’s on the run.

Someone I used to know got herself in a fib frenzy after lying about her age on a dating site.

She started a relationship with a man who thought she was five years younger than she was. She had absolute panics about it and I had to sit through a ‘breaking the news to him’ role-play. Twice.

If memory serves, she told him and he didn’t care about her age. But he was less keen on her lying. Let’s not get into why she lied. People’s age prejudice an’ that.

You can’t hide the real you

A Facebook friend told me this: ‘There are no embarrassing mistakes that you make [on a first date], that you won’t keep repeating on every other date for the rest of your life…’

What did he do?

7 things they don't tell you about first dates
Embarrassing things will happen (Picture: Getty)

You will be reminded that Baby Jesus is no friend of yours

As a Twitter chum says: ‘De-fuzz your whole body? Will not sleep with them. Haven’t waxed for 100 years? You will want to have sex with them immediately.’

Ha! I hear you, sister. Had a very recent ‘1970s’ porn moment’ that will haunt me forever.

The Gods of Dating really are very mean indeed. I skidded on pureed carrot at the end of a first date once.

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