1. That it was not a thing I personally discovered. Masturbation was never discussed in sex ed at my school, so I hardly knew it was a thing. I knew that guys did it because they were all obsessed with it, but women were taught that our vaginas were beautiful/gross mysteries and that we should just pretend they don’t exist. So when I started masturbating, some part of me thought I’d discovered something that no one else knew about and I should never bring it up or else they might try to take my secrets. Which brings me to another thing it would’ve been cool to know…
2. That literally everyone I knew loved doing it. My mailman, my phys ed teacher, my friend who always acted like it was gross when I talked about it, they were all masturbating and it would’ve been hilarious and helpful to know that. Of course, no one was ever going to tell me how much they loved doing it because it wasn’t “ladylike” (*cough* sexist bullshit *cough*) but man, I wish I’d known that even if they weren’t talking about it, I wasn’t alone and everyone else was doing it too.
3. That it was as funny and casual as I thought it was. I joked about masturbation constantly! I thought it was hilarious, mainly because no one was talking about it. But all anyone ever told me was that it was repulsive and not OK to talk about, and now I know they were sooooo wrong. All of the wrong. If anything, masturbation was infinitely funnier when I was younger because it was this taboo thing that everyone did, like pooping or farting or eating cake for breakfast (I’m assuming this was something everyone did and you can’t tell me otherwise). I wish I’d known that the people who couldn’t laugh at it were just taught to think it was immoral and wrong, when really, that they thought that was wrong.
4. That it wasn’t going to ruin sex for me. I remember reading things in magazines about how if you masturbated too much, partner sex wouldn’t feel as good and to that I say, hahaha, no. If sex with your partner feels worse than when you masturbate alone, that’s not OK. Even as an adult and masturbation #pro, I can tell you that sex with someone I’m super into blows masturbation out of the water every time. Plus, all that practice just helped me figure out what I like in bed, which helps my partners figure out what I like in bed and thus, everyone wins.
5. That sometimes I would have horrible “What the hell was that?” barely-orgasms. You know those orgasms where you know you technically came, but it was like the equivalent of the sputter your lotion bottle makes when it’s out of lotion? I wish I’d known that was normal. Shitty, but normal.
6. That masturbating all day long was a solid way to spend a day. I remember genuinely wondering if I was some kind of messed-up pervert because I wanted to spend a leisurely day off watching stand-up comedy specials and masturbating (not together, obviously, come on), but now I know that is what almost every adult does on their days off because it is a perfect day.